Haves and Have-Nots

I'd like to share bits of an email sent to me from The Commander's Wife - a title which actually holds as much (if not more) power as any formal military rank. I'm unsure of the origin of this email, but it does give a pretty accurate portrait of what it feels like to live the military life. Enjoy!

What is a MILITARY Wife?

They may look different and each is wonderfully unique, but this they have in common:
Lots of moving---
Moving
Moving
Moving far from home
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house
Moving curtains that won't fit
Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours
Moving away from friends moving toward new friends
Moving her most important luggage; her trunk full of memories

Often waiting...waiting, waiting, waiting for housing; waiting for orders; waiting for deployment; waiting for reunion; waiting for phones calls; waiting for the new curtains to arrive; waiting for him to come home for dinner.

They call her 'military dependent', but she knows better. She can balance a checkbook, handle the yard work, and fix a noisy toilet.

She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move -- all with ONE Power of Attorney.

She reinvents her career with every PCS; locates a house in the desert, the arctic, or the deep South and learns to call them all 'home'. She MAKES them all home.

She is fiercely independent.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty.
They leap into decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches and friendships.

They don't have 15 years to get to know people.

Their roots are short but flexible.

Military Wives quickly learn to value each other. They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse-network and accept offers of friendship and favors and record addresses in pencil. Military Wives have a common bond.

The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands. His commitment is unique. He doesn't have a job, he has a 'mission' he can't just decide to quit.

He's on-call for his country 24/7, but for you, he's the most unreliable guy in town...
His language is foreign: TDY, PCS, OPR, ACC, BDU. And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his. She is the long-distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together.

Military Wife has her moments --
She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, and refuse to move to Siberia.

But she pulls herself together.

Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a wedding picture, and she goes. She packs. She moves. She follows.

Why? What for? How come? You may think it is because she has lost her mind.

But actually it is because she has lost her heart.

It was stolen from her by a man who puts duty first. Who salutes the flag. And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military husband, she will remain his Military wife.

Anyone who has been or who currently is a military wife probably nodded in agreement to most of the things listed above. Although Brian's career in the Air Force has just begun, I can identify with nearly all of these challenges. Having moved six times in three years, I am fully acquainted with the concept of "flexibility." However, I do want to emphasize something the author wrote that I don't necessarily agree with: "He's on-call for his country 24/7, but for you, he's the most unreliable guy in town...".

An unreliable husband is one who puts his own needs and desires before his wife's. He pursues his career at the expense of her well-being. He spends more time than absolutely necessary at the office, because coming home requires chores and less exciting responsibilities. He fails to live up to his role as the spiritual head of the household, because he fails to find creative ways to provide that - despite distance and busy schedules. Brian is NOT that man.

After ten wonderful years of loving Brian (our first date was January 26, 1999), I'm sure I could come up with a pretty long list of ways that he irritates the heck out of me. Just for fun, I'll mention a few. He'll rinse out bottles and cans for recycling and leave them on the counter for weeks without moving them a mere four feet into the bin in the pantry. He would rather impale himself with a dull pair of scissors than have to decide what to eat for dinner. He could (and often does) spend hours just watching me work in my office. Sweet, but a TAD bit distracting.

He's not perfect, he's not sinless, and he's not even 100% sure how to please me (but what man is really up for that job?). However, I do recall that on May 21, 2005, I made a vow to Brian that said, "I will support you by word and deed by putting more emphasis on what you are than what you are not."

Military and non-military wives out there, how often do we put more emphasis on what our husbands are NOT? How many of us would admit that we went into marriage so excited about our differences, but we have spent the rest of our marriage trying to make our spouse more like us? As I look at those things that "drive me crazy" about my precious husband, I can't help but recognize that those things are so much more a part of his God-given personality than things he does on a daily basis to try and irritate me. I seriously doubt there are men out there who wake up in the morning just wondering what they can do to provoke their wives to nag. In fact, I bet most of them stay at the office or out with their buddies to avoid that very thing.

So, here's my challenge for all you God-fearing wives (and husbands) out there. For the next week, I'd like for you to take copious notes of those things that creep into your consciousness that absolutely annoy you about your spouse. We'll call these the "Have-Nots". Things like, "Would it KILL him to see that I need help moving this piece of furniture into the other room? He is too distracted to see that I need his help!" What about, "Am I the ONLY person in this house who knows how to rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher? He is so lazy!" Guys, have you ever thought, "Does she have to mention 15 times a day that she wants me to change the oil in the car? She must think I'm an idiot!"

Some of you will have twenty pages of notes in the first day. That's fine. But, I'd like for you to take it one step further. For every "Have-not" you record, I'd like for you to write down three "Haves." Here's what I might record as a hypothetical example:

Have-Not

Brian has no idea how challenging it is for me to work from home. He distracts me with questions and expects me to focus 100% on him when he walks through the door - even when I still have work to do!

Have

1) Brian is thoroughly interested in my work and is my greatest encouragement!

2) Brian obviously loves my company and wants to spend every bit of free time conversing with me.

3) Brian is more than willing to complete countless chores around the house so that I can focus on my school and work commitments. He does this without the slightest complaint.

Okay, so my example was a bit more true-to-life than a hypothetical. Here's the point of the exercise. When we start to focus on our spouse's "Haves," we continually remind ourselves of those things that drew us to them in the first place!

Will you take this challenge with me? It only takes a few minutes each day (more if you've had LOTS of experience focusing on your spouse's "Have-Nots"), but I'm hoping we'll all draw our focus back to those things we appreciate about our spouses.

Please make sure your Haves and Have-Nots are related. For instance, you wouldn't say, "My husband shows no affection toward me" as a Have-Not and then list "My husband does the dishes daily" as a Have. I'm hoping we'll find Haves in the midst of the Have-Nots. In other words, for every irritating behavior, what are three related behaviors we appreciate?

One final note on this exercise. It is very important that you focus on BEHAVIORS you find irritating rather than personality traits. A person can easily change a negative behavior, but we can not easily change who we are! If you frame it in that perspective, you're far more likely to find three times as many positive behaviors.

So, that's your challenge. I'll keep you updated on my progress this week, and I hope you'll do the same. Feel free to post any ideas, challenges, or enlightening moments with all of us!

God Bless!