Mommy Makeover

(Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and was suddenly inspired to write this blog.)

For those of you who are not yet mothers but have considered a career as one, I’d like to offer you a step-by-step guide to your at-home “Mommy Makeover.” It’s a how-to guide that will have you looking and acting like a modern-day-mother-of-a-9-month-old in no time!

1. Take your cute, little figure down to the donut shop and eat until you gain a good 30-40 pounds. You’ll want to make sure you pack on enough poundage that your skin becomes transparent from all the stretching. If you can see all of your veins, you’re well on your way.
2. Once you’ve packed on so much weight that complete strangers say things like, “Whoa! That’s a big belly you have there!” then take yourself to a plastic surgeon. Not a great one…just a so-so plastic surgeon will do. Have him/her remove all that excess fat. You might see the remnants of your over-stretched stomach hanging halfway down your thighs. Don’t worry. This is normal.
3. When you go to sleep at night, set your alarm clock to go off in two hours. Wake up and place your breasts into a table vice for approximately one hour. Set the alarm for another two hours. Repeat. For AT LEAST six months or until the bags under your eyes absolutely will not disappear – even with an inch of concealer.
4. And speaking of makeup, donate it to someone who has more than five minutes of uninterrupted time.
5. Next, take deer urine (found at any hunting supply store), dog feces (we have plenty if you need it), and year-old dinner leftovers (pretty sure we have some of those as well) and smear them all over your body. The goal here is to desensitize your nostrils to the point where you leave the house with no knowledge of the urine, feces and food stains plastered to your outfit.
6. And speaking of outfits, take that cute, little wardrobe you love so much and replace it with nothing but sweatpants, sweatshirts and furry, pink slippers. This is your official “mommy uniform.”
7. And your hair? Just let it go. Extra points if your significant other finds Cheerios in there.

Once you have assembled your “look,” it’s time to start acting like a modern-day-mother-of-a-9-month-old.

1. Wearing your most soiled “mommy uniform,” chase your dog (borrow one if you have to) down the middle of a busy street and scream, “I swear I’ll let you lick the high chair if you just come back home NOW!”
2. Next time you’re on the phone, take pots, pans, and wooden spoons and bang them together until the person on the other line says, “Would you like for me to call back at a better time?” Burst into tears and say, “A better time? A BETTER TIME? Sure! Call back in 18 years!!!” The goal here is to make the other person so uncomfortable they hang up.
3. Find yourself a hungry, Pot-bellied Pig and train it to scream every time you leave the room, don’t acknowledge it, or attempt to feed it green beans.
4. Find a stray, rabid cat and attempt to lay it on its back and put a diaper on it. Try (unsuccessfully) to maintain your composure as it kicks, screams and scratches you.
5. When out to eat at your favorite restaurant, take the tablecloth, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, fine china and the glasses and throw them immediately onto the floor. When your meal arrives, let it sit for 30 minutes until it is cold and disgusting. Only then are you allowed to eat it. Scream at the top of your lungs until the management and patrons applaud when you finally leave.

So, there you have it! Your at-home makeover kit. And now, for an unlimited time, you can add a real, live baby to your kit FREE OF CHARGE! All you have to do is come over here and get him any time. Hurry, because quantities are limited and so is my patience.

Comments

[Dad]

Katy,

Must be a stressful day. I found at least two typos. Feel free to drop that bundle of joy off with us any time you want.

Love you,
Dad

[Nancy Gailey]

I think I am getting addicted to your posts. You always give me a smile and make me laugh out loud. Thanks!