Top 5 Reasons Precious and G-man Could Live With Us

1. Our personal chef (Precious) and her busboy (G-man). I dream up a menu, she prepares it, I eat it, and dad cleans it. Does life get any better than that?
2. The sound of JJ’s laugh when they are downstairs playing with him in the mornings…while I’m upstairs still sleeping.
3. Our yard hasn’t looked this good since the last time dad was here (or maybe since the last time Brian’s dad was here).
4. Grill Master G-man makes a mean pork chop!
5. Precious is a one-woman party-planning committee.
   (I couldn’t just stop at 5…)
6. It’s easier to catch these stellar Pamisms* when you’re with her all day.
7. Even though dad and I have the worst luck EVER when it comes to playing cards, it’s fun to watch Brian try to beat my mom.
8. Mom actually enjoys changing diapers.
9. Brian has someone else to blame when there are suddenly only 3 Cheetos left in the bag.
10. We laugh constantly when they’re around. We’re usually laughing at them, but they don’t seem to mind.

Excuse me, but I’d better get back to organizing my office while mom gets JJ up from his nap.

Love,

A Well-rested Mother Who May Have Inadvertently Invited Her Parents To Stay Forever (oops)

*A Pamism is a phrase, word, or expression that mom says in complete seriousness that makes the rest of us roll on the floor. A few examples:

• As dad is trying (unsuccessfully) to button his shirt she says, "Gerald, you've got it on all wampy cactus!"
• Katy: "Mom, why do I NEED to go buy a tiered cupcake stand?" Pam: "So that when JJ looks back at his first birthday pictures he'll know how much you love him." Katy: "You don't know very much about men."
• "My voice is terrible...and I don't know it."
• Katy: "Mom, have you ever pulled one of your kitchen knives on dad?" Mom: "Not one of the new ones."

Portrait of a Military Family

JJ and I chat with daddy while he's in Iceland (yes, in January). This kid ADORES his daddy!

Top 5 Ways I've Become My Mother

I'd like to kick off a new section of our site called "Top 5." It's like a "Top 10" list but geared more toward those with a lesser attention span. Not that I'm related to any people who might fall into that category...

And speaking of relatives, I thought it would be fun to start off this new series by doing what I do best: making fun of my mother.

So, without further adieu, here are the Top 5 Ways I've Become My Mother:

1. When we go out to eat, I constantly count how many people (who arrived after us) were seated and/or received their meals before us. "Excuse me? We've been here six minutes longer than that table of four, and they already received their appetizers. May I please speak to your manager?"
2. I find myself saying things like, "I want you to WANT to clean the kitchen!"
3. I start many a sentence this way: "I don't want to tell you what to do, but..." And then I proceed to tell that person what to do.
4. I think my therapists are crazier than me.
5. Sometimes I share soooooo much information that I can actually hear my dad's eyes rolling back in his head.

*Stay tuned the next few months as we introduce more fun site features ("Reader of the Month," travel blog entries, and more!) as well as a graphic overhaul. Also, I have some exciting news to share in the month of February! (No, mom. I'm not pregnant.)

**If you're a Morgan Trail fan and would like to be featured as a Reader of the Month, please email me at "katy" at "themorgantrail" dot com.

Art Therapy

(A follow-up to yesterday's post)

Dear Mom and Dad,

I spoke to my therapist yesterday, and he advised me to go ahead and get some things off my chest. This has been a long time coming, and I hope you'll forgive the very public venue...but I just can't bring myself to speak about this over the phone.

You see, I am scarred in an irreparable way from the applique dresses you used to FORCE me to wear to school. Remember picture day of 1989? The navy blue, applique duck dress? Some mean girl with her cool slap bracelets and 3 tiers of multicolored socks stole my lunch that day. I'll never forget it. Oh, and do you remember the fuchsia polka dot jumper that had my name embroidered on the front? You remember, mom, because you had one that matched! Yeah, well, let's just say picture day of 1992 was pretty terrible as well.

The good news is that I'm over all that now. With the help of a qualified team of psychiatric professionals, I'm able to let go of the fashion horror I endured at the hands of my well-intentioned parents.

Oh!

And should I even address the time that mom walked into my kindergarten class dressed like a clown? First of all, I didn't even know you had a clown costume on hand for such occasions. And second of all, what was the occasion? WAS there one? Do you know that because of you I became known as the Crazy Clown Lady's Pet Poodle? (And, let's be honest, the perm didn't help much either.)

What was I saying? Oh, about how I'm fine now. So, my doctor recommended that I use my love for graphics and working on the computer to express myself in more positive ways. Much more positive than screaming every time I see a clown or kicking live ducks for the heck of it.

Here's what I came up with:

Do you see how completely ridiculous this is? And let's be honest, this little turtleneck romper ensemble is pretty tame compared to the crap you used to make me wear.

Love,

Katy

The One Where I Outrage My Yuppie Friends

This particular post is not intended for those who have the following: 1) a boy and 2) one or more smocked outfits for said boy. I don't judge you. I just think you want people to torment your kid.

Here is a four-way email conversation between my mom, my dad, Brian and me. We discuss my absolute disdain for smocked clothing.

Mom begins:

Katy,

These folks are having a sale on children's classic clothes!  Go to the site and let me know if there is anything you would like me to buy for J.J.!!!! www.littleenglish.com

Love you,

Mama

I appropriately respond:

Honestly, just shoot me in the head if I ever let JJ look like this:
http://www.littleenglish.com/little-english/pimaturtleneck2.htm

And that should answer your question as to whether or not I want you to order something from them.

And then Brian chimes in:

My personal favorite...

http://www.littleenglish.com/little-english/smockedlongalltrainongingham.htm

There would be no words to describe how proud I would be to call this child my son... seriously...no words at all...

And I respond:

All he needs is a koozie with beer and a ball cap and he's a frat boy at UGA.

And mom asks:

My only questions is, What is wrong with this picture?  His hair? 

I hope the outfit is not the question mark!  He has 2 outfits here waiting on him when he arrives!!

Love you,
Mama

And I exclaim:

The question you should ask yourself is: "What ISN'T wrong with this picture?"

Dad chimes in:

Amen.

Brian says:

I keep looking at this site wondering why these clothes would ever go on sale? I'm sure there is a huge demand.

Dad's lengthy response:

Go figure.

Then I say:

Yes, I'm sure the yuppie soccer moms of the world have grabbed these up by the mini-van-loads!

And then Brian makes my favorite comment of the entire chain:

We could just go ahead and get him ready for public school, too. We'll just dress him in this outfit then take turns knocking his lunch out of his hands, tripping him in the hall, stealing his homework, beating him up on the playground, and locking him in the bathroom.
http://www.littleenglish.com/little-english/charlieromper.htm

We didn’t hear much from mom after that.

And now I'm just waiting to get hate mail from half of my girlfriends and this company we're picking on (Little English). Bring it on, people. I'm not scared of you OR your little boys in smocked rompers!