But Wait, There's More!

I'm a sucker for a good sales pitch. Really, any sales pitch. Salespeople can smell me coming from a mile away. That's why Saturdays in the BX and the Commissary are always so difficult for me. All it takes is one free sample, and I suddenly feel I must buy three boxes of Ham, Egg & Cheese Breakfast Hot Pockets. It's a compulsion, really. Or maybe it's the law of reciprocity. They give me a bite-sized free sample; I subsequently buy their nasty microwave food. That seems reasonable.

Recently, my parents were here for a visit, and we were shopping around the BX on a Saturday afternoon. Suddenly, this overly-enthusiastic voice comes over the loud-speaker and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, do you like free stuff? Then meet me in front of the fragrance aisle in five minutes for your FREE gift!" My mom and my hubby both rolled their eyes as if to say, "Oh, no. Here we go again." You see, this very scenario happened four years prior, and we all went home with a box of $30 knives that have since rusted. But, I'll have you know they are still sharp!

Since my dad and I are both suckers for "free" stuff, we made our way over to the fragrance department. There, we found the awkwardly enthusiastic man with his bowl of water, his tomato, his piece of mangled wood, and his set of never-seen-before-knives. Except we had seen them just a few years ago. Still, dad and I stood there like we'd never seen a knife before. When he asked us to come closer, we came closer. When he whispered to us about how few "free" gifts he had to give away, we leaned in to better hear him. We were eating out of his hand.

At one point he impressed us with the powerful capabilities of his incredibly inexpensive knives. He sawed through a piece of wood like it was a stick of butter. [Only a slight exaggeration.]

Meanwhile, my mom and my husband - who both refused to come closer when he asked them to do so - continued to roll their eyes in disbelief. They thought surely I wouldn't fall for this same sales pitch AGAIN. Especially when I already had the same stupid knives. Especially when said knives are currently rusting in my kitchen drawer. Especially when this salesperson is horrible.

And they were wrong. I bought the $30 knives. Dad just got the free gift (a lens cleaning cloth). Tightwad.

My family laughed at me the whole way home at how easily I am swayed by a horribly predictable and uncomfortable sales pitch. Maybe I bought the knives because I felt sorry for the guy in his early twenties who had all the charm and wit of a bill collector. Maybe I wanted to get rid of the rusty knives currently in my drawer. Maybe I am just that easily swayed by salespeople. (Don't even get me started on my track record with infomercials.)

But wait, there's more!

A few weeks later, we were at dinner with another military couple when my husband couldn't help but throw me under the bus about this whole knife business. He explained the entire excruciating story to them. The sales pitch, the "free" gift, the sawing of the wooden block...and then my friend's husband said, "Wait, I know who you're talking about. I saw that guy in the ER!" Apparently, this knife sales "professional" proceeded to slice his hand during a demonstration - oh, and let's not forget to mention that the knife broke apart and hit his one of his spectators as well. No doubt he had just asked her to take a step closer.

I couldn't stop laughing. And now I'm just picturing this poor guy with stitches in his hand trying to sell these knives to an already-skeptical audience. He probably had to change his sales pitch to say, "I would show you the part where this spectacular knife cuts through a block of wood as easily as a stick of butter, but I'm going to have to wait until I get my stitches removed."

What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever purchased because you got caught up in the sales pitch? Any Magic Bullet owners out there? Any of you hanging on to an ab machine for the past 15 years that you've never touched?

Cross-posted on SpouseBUZZ

Portrait of a Military Family

JJ and I chat with daddy while he's in Iceland (yes, in January). This kid ADORES his daddy!

Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

If you're in denial that denial even exists, does that cancel everything out and make you a realist? Think about it. I'll come back to you.

I'm pretty sure it took me until just this very moment to realize that there are some pretty scary things about being married to a man whose life is "owned" by the American government. Up to this point, denial has served me really well. But suddenly, the presence of this 19-pound critter crawling around our house has caused me to pause and recognize the challenges before us. And I don't think that's a bad thing, either.

But first, I'll tell you what is so wonderful about military life. Just when our friends are around us long enough to realize how completely nutty we are, we say, "Peace out! Maybe we'll see you again next decade!" Interestingly, the time from that first meeting to the time they realize how crazy we are decreases drastically when they discover this blog.

Here are a few more perks to Air Force life:

1. Great deals at the BX on clothes even your grandmother wouldn't buy...but, hey, it's 75% off!
2. We've visited places we never knew existed before Brian joined the service.
3. We can easily find the "worst part" of town. Just head straight out the front gate of any Air Force installation and it's directly in front of you.
4. Each time I pick up the phone, I don't have to worry that the family member on the other end will say, "I was just in the neighborhood. Can I stop by? I'm sitting right outside your door and you're not answering it."
5. Never a dull moment. Not. Ever.
6. Two words: job security
7. Hubby + flight suit = smokin' hot
8. A wonderful community of people who know how to befriend each other quickly and who support one another completely.
9. Unspeakable pride for what my husband does and who he is.

There are literally thousands more reasons I love this lifestyle. But, let's be honest, if you wanted to hear all the sweet, sentimental stuff, then shows like Army Wives wouldn't be so popular, right?

Here are the things that I thought about this morning and felt compelled to share with you. So, if you're considering military life or know someone who is, this may provide some realistic insight. If you're already a military spouse and/or mother, then just ignore this part and keep on floating down that river in Egypt:

1. Because of my husband's career, my kid was labeled a brat while he was still in the womb. It usually takes people much longer to realize that our families are full of brats. Like at least a few hours.
2. Three words: "Change of plans." (Side note: If you don t like change, marry an actuary. Don't marry a service member.)
3. Two words: "We diverted." (Side note: If you NEED to go on dates, make plans in advance, or eat meals with your spouse, then this is not the lifestyle for you.)
4. Hubby + "Blues uniform" Monday = toddler-style nagging about how uncomfortable he is. They all do it. Every Monday. I think polyester pants are second on the list of most hated Air Force enemies. Just after "terrorists." 
5. Annoying acronyms. Brian: "I'm so mad! In G2, AMD put the ARCT with the SOG at the CP, but it was supposed to be the IP!" Katy: "I want to hit you in the face right now. Mainly because I understood that."
6. Married = no longer single. Right? Wrong! Better get used to taking yourself out on dates to the BX. Nothing says pathetic like talking to yourself at a table all alone in the middle of Burger King. Not that I've done that.
7. Uncertainty. Somehow it's the not knowing that makes this life so challenging. It's strange to know that you won't be in the same place next year but not have a clue where you'll be instead.
8. By far the most difficult part of this life is when we have to say goodbye. We've left behind more friends than we can count (at home and as we've moved around the world). We have left behind our families and missed so many important events in their lives. And, although I've been blessed to have Brian around 90% of the time, I have friends whose husbands have missed most of the first few years of their kids lives. It's heartbreaking and humbling to think of the sacrifice they've made for our country.

So, there I go getting all sentimental again. I pray that you recognize my tongue-in-cheek style of humor and know that I consider myself blessed beyond my wildest imagination to call myself Mrs. Captain Brian Morgan...or is it just Mrs. Morgan? Or Mrs. Captain Morgan? Or Her Great Captainess Morgan? Forget it. Just go hug a service member and thank them for the freedoms you enjoy: life, liberty and the pursuit of reality TV stardom.